You know that moment when you step outside yourself and look into your life from the outside? and you have one of those, "if you have told me __ years ago that today I would be in _____ doing ____ with _____, I would have looked at you like you were a crazy person" moments? I know that moment all too well, and I had one the other night.
I was out for drinks with a few girlfriends from work, two of which now work somewhere else. We're catching up in the way that old girlfriends catch up, gossiping about office happenings and client this-and-that. and when you're catching up with old friends you're forced to reflect a little bit. What the hell have I been doing for the past 6 months? Because you can go through the motions and the routines and get comfortable. and then all of the sudden, a year of your life has gone by. I'm only 23, but I know that the older I get, the faster it goes. and I'm having a glass of rose (pink wine, don't judge me) and we're chatting and the bay bridge is all lit up and sparkly because of the light show, and I thought, "this is really magical. but I'm ready for the next magical thing."
You go through different phases in your life; you cut your hair because you're tired of it; you leave a job because it's draining you; you end a relationship because it's just not quite close enough to being it. and you catch a reflection of yourself, or say something that you'd never heard yourself say before, and you're like, "who is this person?". Sometimes that question can be asked in the best way possible, because we're growing and evolving. And sometimes that question is just asked out of sadness. And sometimes it's asked out of humor, because you have surprised yourself. So you go home and put on that old comfy sweatshirt that makes you feel like you. You make a cup of tea. You call your mama or your best friend. And they make you feel like you again. Or you play that one song, you know which one I'm talking about (oh, music and its transformative qualities) Maybe you listened to it years ago and fell in love with it, and you can listen to that same song years later, in a different bedroom in a different state and suddenly you're still that seventeen-year-old writing in her diary, dreaming about her future. Hoping that she makes the right decisions. hoping that in ___ years, she is happy.
I remember being scared out of my mind that I was going to make the wrong choice, because I thought that my entire life's happiness depended on it. It's only now that I'm able to look back and see that it's not one huge choice - it was a million tiny choices. they were intricate and simple, accidental and deliberate, fun and not-so-fun - but they were mine. And I'm still making them. I was meant to freak out and choose to stay in Texas for college. I was meant to get restless in that small town and transfer back to California. I was meant to move to San Francisco. I was meant to consider moving to New York. I was meant to go and realize that it wasn't right for me. I was meant to meet Greg. And we both know that we are meant to give LA a shot. because as much as I like San Francisco, and living close to my family and friends, as much as I love the people I work with, as much as my job doesn't kill my soul...it sure doesn't make my heart sing. and I'm ready for the latter.
I guess, my long-winded point is that I feel something really good is coming. I can feel it in my bones.
to be continued...
p.s. for me it's this song. and this song and this song
