May 10, 2013

You know that moment when you step outside yourself and look into your life from the outside? and you have one of those, "if you have told me __ years ago that today I would be in _____ doing ____ with _____, I would have looked at you like you were a crazy person" moments? I know that moment all too well, and I had one the other night.

I was out for drinks with a few girlfriends from work, two of which now work somewhere else. We're catching up in the way that old girlfriends catch up, gossiping about office happenings and client this-and-that. and when you're catching up with old friends you're forced to reflect a little bit. What the hell have I been doing for the past 6 months? Because you can go through the motions and the routines and get comfortable. and then all of the sudden, a year of your life has gone by. I'm only 23, but I know that the older I get, the faster it goes. and I'm having a glass of rose (pink wine, don't judge me) and we're chatting and the bay bridge is all lit up and sparkly because of the light show, and I thought, "this is really magical. but I'm ready for the next magical thing."

You go through different phases in your life; you cut your hair because you're tired of it; you leave a job because it's draining you; you end a relationship because it's just not quite close enough to being it. and you catch a reflection of yourself, or say something that you'd never heard yourself say before, and you're like, "who is this person?". Sometimes that question can be asked in the best way possible, because we're growing and evolving. And sometimes that question is just asked out of sadness. And sometimes it's asked out of humor, because you have surprised yourself. So you go home and put on that old comfy sweatshirt that makes you feel like you. You make a cup of tea. You call your mama or your best friend. And they make you feel like you again. Or you play that one song, you know which one I'm talking about (oh, music and its transformative qualities) Maybe you listened to it years ago and fell in love with it, and you can listen to that same song years later, in a different bedroom in a different state and suddenly you're still that seventeen-year-old writing in her diary, dreaming about her future. Hoping that she makes the right decisions. hoping that in ___ years, she is happy. 

I remember being scared out of my mind that I was going to make the wrong choice, because I thought that my entire life's happiness depended on it. It's only now that I'm able to look back and see that it's not one huge choice - it was a million tiny choices. they were intricate and simple, accidental and deliberate, fun and not-so-fun - but they were mine. And I'm still making them. I was meant to freak out and choose to stay in Texas for college. I was meant to get restless in that small town and transfer back to California. I was meant to move to San Francisco.  I was meant to consider moving to New York. I was meant to go and realize that it wasn't right for me. I was meant to meet Greg. And we both know that we are meant to give LA a shot. because as much as I like San Francisco, and living close to my family and friends, as much as I love the people I work with, as much as my job doesn't kill my soul...it sure doesn't make my heart sing. and I'm ready for the latter.

I guess, my long-winded point is that I feel something really good is coming. I can feel it in my bones.

to be continued...

p.s. for me it's this song. and this song and this song 

6 reviews:

D said...

what a wonderful post :) we're always waiting for something big and life changing, but the magic is in the little things. you change life as you go.

Flora Amies said...

I really like this post, and boyyy can I relate. It can be so daunting making decisions sometimes can't it, because you feel like so much rests on that decision and you so desperately want to avoid making one that results in anything less than ideal.

I think we just have to realise that we don't have magic powers to see in to the future, or the benefit of hindsight before something has happened - we can only make decisions as we're presented with the opportunity, right there and then. If you make the best of what you have today, then you can't regret it tomorrow. If you find yourself on the wrong path, there's nothing stopping you jumping to another.
Flora. x


molly pinto said...

I totally agree, Flora!

ARP said...

I can so relate to this post. Similar feelings led me to uproot myself from Massachusetts and move to San Francisco. It was scary, but it has turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. It's been a long time since I have felt this content, and I know as I settle more and more into my new apartment and job I will just feel happier and happier.

I am sad to hear you will be leaving this magical city, but I am excited that you are taking a risk and following your heart! I think it is so important to just go for things in life because even if for some reason they don't work out at least you tried something new and had an experience which allowed you to grow and get to know yourself better.

Enjoy LA! And maybe it's silly to ask, but perhaps we could grab a coffee in the city sometime before you leave?

molly pinto said...

not ridiculous at all, my dear! it won't be for a while, but I'll shoot you an email when we get close. :) and thank you!! I'm sad to leave because it's been a HUGE chapter of my life. I've learned so much about myself and changed and stretched in ways I didn't know was possible. but I'm excited to see what's in store for me... :)

Unknown said...

great great post! I can relate as well. I think of change as a million-piece puzzle. You put one piece in at a time, sometimes you work on just one corner, sometimes you are all over the place and then WHAM, the puzzle is done. You take a step back and you feel accomplished in that you finished but it can tell you so many different things like, Wow, that's not what I thought it was going to be so you start a different "puzzle." or you are super proud of yourself because you worked the puzzle and are so glad it's done and can move on. The list is endless - life is definitely in the little things. They add up to big things but it is the little things, moments, that mean the most that we remember.

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